I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I look back at pictures of me as a small child and I see the sadness in my eyes.
Does this mean I spend my days crying?
To be honest I RARELY cry about anything. I used to when I was a hormonal teenager, because I really had no control over my emotions, but today… depression washes over me as numbness, uneasiness, negative thoughts and beliefs, low energy, and a feeling of hopelessness. When depression is bubbling up to the surface my house gets messy. I become scatterbrained and unable to organize my thoughts. I am extremely exhausted, and daily habits like taking a shower seem like a massive obstacle to overcome. I feel empty, and I want to fill the void with something that makes me feel different – food, relationships, sex, booze, exercise, shopping, etc… something that will quickly change my state.
For more than 3 decades of my life these quick fixes were the tools that I used to manage my depression, but none of them actually made me happier after the immediate rush of endorphins I got from compulsive behaviors. No, after the “rush” was over I was often left feeling worse about myself and my situation. Now I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. I would then beat myself up for being so stupid and impulsive.
It was miserable.
I am happy to say that I no longer go through life this way. Yes, I still deal with depression… quite frequently to be honest. But, now I realize that my body is having a physiological response to something. Maybe I ate something inflammatory? Maybe I’m not getting enough sun light? Maybe I’m running myself ragged taking care of everyone else, and not giving my mind a few brief moments to reset? Maybe my body is remembering a time where I was hurt in the past because someone said or did something that hit a nerve of some past hurt, and re-opened that wound? Maybe I’m dehydrated? Maybe I’m deficient in a vitamin or mineral? Maybe it’s been too long since I let myself laugh? Maybe I haven’t stopped to take a deep breath? Maybe I haven’t connected with God lately?
There are so many internal and external factors that influence our mindset. It’s not a moral failing to feel depressed… it’s simply an opportunity for us to recognize these feelings, and try to determine what our body needs to feel better. Now because I have become very in touch with the signals my body is telling me, I am better able to identify what I need to give it to feel better… to feel happy… to feel joy.
My most recent example of this was just last week. I have been feeling depressed for months… even though I am genuinely happy with the circumstances of my life. Everyday I felt dread. Everyday I felt exhaustion. Everyday I felt overwhelm. I didn’t know why though? I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible for myself. I have everything I need. I have more than so many other people… yet, I was depressed.
Being this way used to send me into a shame spiral…
Why can’t I just be happy? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I snap out of this? Why does everyone else seem to be happier and more put together than me? Why am I so broken? It will never get better. Life will never be better for me. I deserve to not have the successes that others have because I can’t even appreciate what I have now… how fucking selfish of me.
The list would go on and on as to the things that were wrong with me, and why I deserved to feel so bad.
But, one day I stopped. I stopped beating myself up for where I was currently, and I started focusing that energy into how to move out of the dark hole I was in. I recognized that depression is simply a signal my body is sending to me that it needs something – love, nourishment, rest, etc. I simply need to identify the symptom of depression, then determine what my body needs to heal.
If I was having a heart attack, and I chose to ignore the chest pain, the pain radiating down my arm, the shortness of breath, the sweating, etc… If I just pretended that these symptoms are not that serious or not even there at all… If I chose not to go get help at the hospital to clear the blockage, eventually that part of my heart that is being deprived of blood, filled with oxygen and nutrients it needs to survive, would die, and it will affect my physical abilities in life, and I could even die if it’s serious enough.
The same is for depression. Not in a literal sense that my heart will stop if I’m depressed, but that if I choose to ignore these symptoms my body is showing me, it will effect every other aspect of my health and my life. I won’t be able to be the productive, happy, giving person I wan to be. I have to give my body what it needs to feel better… so I can be better.
Identifying what my body needs can be tricky, but I always start with the low hanging fruit – diet, movement, sunlight, rest and God. Sometimes it’s more than this. Sometimes I have to dig deeper. But, no matter what, I tell myself that I will find the missing piece to my happiness puzzle. I tell myself to keep hope… even if I don’t feel hopeful. I give myself the opportunity to believe that rising above the depression is an option for me… I simply need to find the right ladder up to the light.
If you struggle with depression, please know that you’re not alone. If I am able to overcome it, then you are too. Depression is a battle. Occasionally we may lose a battle, but that doesn’t mean we lose the war.
Here are some things that have helped me overcome my battles with depression.
- Eating foods that nourish my body. Yes, it’s so much easier to reach for comfort foods that make us feel better temporarily, but we all know it makes us feel worse in the long run. I no longer look at food as something of comfort. I look at food as medicine – 100% of the time… whether I’m depressed or not. I know that what I put in my mouth has the power to heal me or hurt me. I literally look at junk food and booze as poison. I wouldn’t drink a cup of poison and expect to feel well… I don’t put poisonous foods in my mouth either.
- I give myself grace. I no longer beat myself up for where I am or how I got there. I simply acknowledge where I am, and then I determine one small step to move in a different direction. By not using all of my energy to mentally beat myself up all of the time, I am able to use that energy to do good in the world… to create, to help others, to care for myself.
- I realized rest is not laziness. Just like I wouldn’t expect my phone to make phone calls, texts, surf the web, etc. without recharging it when the battery gets low… I no longer expect the machine that is my body and mind to run forever without recharging it. Along with providing it with the nutrients it needs to survive, I have to give myself down time to recharge. If I’m depressed or physically sick, I need more down time than usual… and that is okay. My “battery” % is at 0%, so I will need extra time to recharge it fully.
- I get into the sunlight. Everyday. There are physiological changes that happen when your skin and eyes see the sun. Nothing can substitute for it. So, so get into the sunlight everyday for at least 20 minutes.
- I pray. A lot.
- I surround myself with positivity. I don’t play sad songs anymore when I’m depressed. Instead I play worship music, or something uplifting… even if I don’t feel like listening to it at the time. I look for inspirational quotes or I read Bible verses. I reach out to friends who I know will lift me up… not beat me down for being down. I envision myself overcoming depression… I manifest it happening before it actually does.
- I move my body. This one can be VERY hard when you’re depressed, but I know from experience even just simply moving to a different room is one step forward. If I can will myself out of bed and to the couch instead, I am one step closer to putting on shoes and getting out the door to walk, exercise, clean, etc. I just have to start with taking one step.
If you are struggling with depression I hope these things help you. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I have first hand experience with this myself, friends, and with working with clients. A good resource I found recently that has helped me is the https://www.bravermantest.com/. I was doing all of the things I normally do to rise above my depression, but it still wasn’t enough…. I couldn’t completely rise up out of that dark hole. This test helped me identify which neurotransmitters I may be deficient in, and I started supplementing to support my body through this time. I do feel better. I also started meditating, which amplified the benefits from the supplements. Hopefully after my 30 days of meditation I will be able to stop taking the supplements, and naturally produce enough neurotransmitters to feel happy and be productive in my day… time will tell. If you’re interested in the type of meditation I am doing, I am using the Z technique https://zivameditation.com/preview/?gclid=CjwKCAiA5JnuBRA-EiwA-0ggPXGNBy4Syb8GUGdGZW91h6VbFt1o-xV7SNx6hZGL_pLau1Mhvu-ZNxoCWnwQAvD_BwE I couldn’t afford the full course, so I did the first 3 days that are offered for free, then I bought the audiobook “Stress Less, Accomplish More” by Emily Fletcher. https://www.amazon.com/Stress-Less-Accomplish-More-Extraordinary/dp/0062747509 which outlines how to do this type of meditation, and also gives all of the overwhelming, scientifically proven benefits to meditation. I’m only halfway through, but I highly recommend.
Anyways, I hope these words help somebody. You are worthy of feeling healthy and happy… you don’t have to do anything to earn this right. The fact that you were placed on this earth is proof that you are worthy of these things. You are that important. Love yourself, and give yourself what you need. Right now.
To your (mental) health, my friends.
Over the last few years I have become somewhat of a “biohacker”. For those who don’t know what that is, the official definition by Dave Asprey (CEO of Bulletproof, Inc.) is:
“Biohacking is the process of using science, biology, and self-experimentation to take control of and upgrade your body, mind, and life. Simply put, biohacking is the art and science of changing the environment around you and inside you so you have more control over your own biology.”
There are extremes of “biohacking” such as stem cell treatments, but for those of us with fewer means, it can simply mean trying a different type of diet, exercise, supplement, or any change of pattern and behavior. Over the years I have tried all of these things, but with more intention than I did before. I used to try different diets and exercise, but it was always with the basic intention of losing weight, or changing my body composition in some way. When I first started having autoimmune issues 3 years ago this all changed. Suddenly my body was shutting down, and I was desperate to find a solution. So, with the guidance of my holistic doctor, I started testing many different modalities to try and get my health back. What I discovered was I had immense power within myself to heal.
Going through this process has made me very aware of my body, and how external factors – such as diet – affect me and my overall well-being. It’s no longer just about how I fit into my jeans (although I do still care about those things), but more about how I function from day to day… how much energy I have… my mindset. Am I happy? Am I in pain? Am I thinking clearly? Can I remember things, or do I have brain fog? How does my skin look? How’s my digestion? Is my weight fluctuating? Am I able to accomplish the things that I want to accomplish in a day? What I have found is what I put in my body, on my body, and do to my body each day has a profound effect on all of these things and more.
I feel like I’ve pretty much dialed in my diet, and I know how food will affect me, although I do occasionally get surprised by a seemingly healthy food causing me to have brain fog or something like that. I’ve tried a crap ton of supplements too… far too many to count. I’ve literally spent thousands of dollars, but I don’t believe it to be a waste of money, because I actually become mindful of how each affect me. I pay attention t the signals my body is telling me. I am pretty quickly able to determine if something is helping me or not… for instance I was feeling somewhat depressed the past few weeks, but I started some new supplements that help boost neurotransmitters such as dopamine, GABA, serotonin, and acetylcholine (all the feel-good things), and I have felt my mood improve significantly. (Here is a test to determine if you are deficient in neurotransmitters https://www.bravermantest.com/. It was very helpful for me. Instead of just guessing what would make me feel better, this identified very well which supplements to target)
So, what does this have to do with meditation? Well, yesterday I decided to start a meditation practice. I’ve said I was going to do this before, and I have started, but honestly it would only last a few days. I would simply forget to do it, and to be honest, I wasn’t that great at it. lol… which left me frustrated to say the least. I was going to incorporate meditation as one of my New Years goals, but I figured why not start now? So, I did.
I’ve done this a million times before, however, this time is different. Instead of trying to fit meditation into my already busy day, I actually set my alarm early – 3:45am to be exact! Now, normally when I get up at 3:45 I am a zombie most of the day, but today I feel good. I mean, I’m writing a freaking blog at 5:45am! Normally I could not gather my thoughts in a coherent manner enough to write before 9:00am (although maybe I’m dreaming and this isn’t coherent at all??? lolol) But, today, after my early morning client I decided to come home and write. I also feel much happier and more energetic than I have all week. I think part of this is the supplements I started taking to boost my mood, but I feel an amplified effect with the meditation.
So, what exactly am I doing for meditation? I’m following the “Z Technique”. I’ve recently listed to several podcasts with Emily Fletcher, the founder of the Z Technique, and I was inspired to give meditation another go… there is SOOOOOOOOOO much scientific evidence of the benefits of meditation to the brain and body. I looked into her online 15 day course called https://zivameditation.com/, which is a take on Transcendental Meditation, but I do not have $400 extra to spend right now to complete it. So, I did the next best thing – I downloaded my free trial of Audible, and I downloaded her book “Stress Less, Accomplish More”. I simply followed her instructions (in chapter 12), and away I went! This technique is easy for me to follow, and it seems to be working… even on my scatterbrained mind. lol… She recommends two 15 minute sessions per day – one first thing in the morning before coffee, and one in the afternoon after lunch, but before dinner. Yesterday I did my morning meditation after my coffee because I didn’t know I was supposed to do it before, but today I woke myself up before the butt crack of dawn to get in this 15 minutes… and to my surprise I felt a difference. I thought I would need my coffee to do something like meditation because I was afraid I’d fall asleep lol, but I was wrong. I did it just fine. What I noticed during the meditation was that the pain in my rib was less. (I’m pretty sure I fractured a rib earlier this week from coughing due to bronchitis I’ve had for 3 weeks now. Ugh.) Pain is a perception of our minds, so this makes sense to me that by calming the mind, and naturally boosting neurotransmitters (those feel good things mentioned earlier) that my pain would be reduced. There are many scientific studies showing this phenomenon as well. The pain is still there when I move, cough, or breathe deep, but I was able to find temporary relief, and hopefully by activating my parasympathetic nervous system (the rest, digest, and heal part of the nervous system) I will heal quicker than I would have. There’s no way to quantify this, of course, but keeping a positive mindset doesn’t hurt. 😉
Anyways, I do have to get back to the gym for more clients, so I’ll wrap this up… for the next 30 days I am committing to the twice a day 15 minute Z technique meditation. I will document any changes I see – good or bad – and I will report back! I challenge you to do this with me! If you feel like you’re stuck with your weight, your health, your life… or you feel overwhelm or dread… or even if you feel fantastic! lol…. I highly recommend trying meditation. See how it affects you. The risk/reward is great… so, no excuses. K? 😉
See you on the Zen(er) side, friends.
I was talking to a friend on the phone the other day. She’s going through some sh*t right now. She was very down, and telling me all about it. As we were talking she got another call, so I was put on hold. When she got back on she was laughing and said “Man, I can turn ‘it’ on when I need to.” She talked about how for the person she was helping on the other line, suddenly her entire demeanor changed, and her peppy ‘How can I help you?’ voice came out…
We’ve all been there. How often do we say we’re ‘fine’ when we’re really not? A lot. Those of us with the most “arrows” in our backs are often the ones caring and tending to the needs of others before our own.
One of the biggest steps for me in my journey was when I finally admitted that hurts and trauma from my past were affecting me in the present. For many years I believed that childhood trauma, relationship trauma, EMS trauma didn’t have an affect on me… and the thing is I truly believed it because I didn’t dwell on those things.
I completely ignored the arrows in my back.
Eventually, I acknowledged those arrows existed, but instead of removing them fully, I simply snapped off the shaft. I left the arrowhead buried beneath the skin. I wanted to look normal because I was ashamed of those wounds… they made me feel broken and weak. So, I focused on other people, or goals, or whatever… anything but the hurt. I wanted to appear strong and arrow free, but the reality is all of those arrowheads in my back were still affecting me no matter how I chose to ignore them. It made me reactive in life instead of proactive. It made me lash out at others, and I had no idea why. It affected my self esteem. It made me turn to booze, food, exercise, relationships, work, busyness, etc. to ease this feeling of uneasiness… but the pain never went away. Instead it festered and grew more painful over time.
We have a saying in EMS… “all bleeding stops eventually”. Yes, this is true, but whether we live a happy, healthy and thriving life, or die a slow death, is up to us.
We all have trauma. ALL OF US.
It probably isn’t our fault how those arrows impaled into our backs, but it is our responsibility to remove them… AND to tend to the wounds until they are healed. We must remove those arrows completely, or it will hinder what we are capable of in this life. It will have an affect on our physical wellbeing, as well as our emotional and mental wellbeing. It will affect our relationships with ourselves and with others.
Once the wound is healed, the scars will remain. We may not want to show them to everyone, but those who love and accept us fully will love us because of our scars, not despite them.
Personally, I’ve used counseling, EMDR, EFT (tapping), writing, and so much more to work through my trauma. I have removed so many “arrows”, and yet, I occasionally come across one buried deep… and of course new arrows are always flying. #life Amiright?! 😉 Because I’ve done the work I have I recognize my unhealthy coping mechanisms much faster… these are behaviors that take me further from the person I want to be. Now, I take the time to analyze why I’m behaving that way instead of getting angry with myself for having those unhealthy habits and behaviors to begin with. I can’t always find the exact arrow immediately, but I eventually do, and sometimes I stumble across another one I didn’t even realize existed along the way. I care for myself, and I let myself heal. I’ll never be arrow free, but I will continue to do the work of removing them as long as I live. Because of this healing journey I am able to stop myself from self-sabotage much quicker… I am stronger and healthier mentally, emotionally, and physically than I have ever been before… and in turn I am able to help others much more effectively.
Today is #worldmentalhealthday. Your mental health affects your physical health and vice versa. You can eat the vegetables… you can drink the water… you can exercise until you can’t exercise anymore, BUT, if you don’t deal with the arrows in your back, you’ll never be who you want to be… believe me, I’ve tried. 😉
Go to counseling. Write. Acknowledge your wounds. Forgive. Love. Release. NONE of this makes you weak… it makes you strong. You deserve a life that’s happy, healthy, and thriving. It only takes ONE person to change your life… YOU. ❤️
Stay healthy, friends.
Tomorrow I will be 5 weeks post-op from my breast implant removal surgery. I had them removed because I believe they were causing me to have autoimmune issues from Breast Implant Illness (BII). Since my surgery I have seen small improvements… brain fog is better, my eyes and skin are brighter, inflammation has decreased in my face and body, joint pain has reduced, chronically peeling skin on my hands and feet have stopped peeling, and even things I didn’t realize could be related to my implants is starting to go away… such as numbness in my arms if I sit for too long or lay on my back. Some things I’m still struggling with are fatigue and I’ve had a lot of body image issues recently that I haven’t had for years… or ever had to be honest.
Overall I’m happy with these improvements, but now will come the real test… I’m going to start working out again.
I was technically cleared to workout last week, but I decided to wait another week to let me body heal more. I still don’t have complete range of motion in my arms, and my left incision is still very irritated and red. (I believe this is from the sutures… they’re not completely dissolved yet. I’ve had this happen before… my body doesn’t absorb sutures very well.) I’m not gonna lie… this surgery has kicked my butt! Typically I recover very well from surgeries, but this one… it’s taken me this whole time to recover. This probably due to the fact that I had 2 surgeries and I moved in 2 months time – THAT is a lot of stress to my body. I’m still struggling with fatigue, but I’m at a point where I want to add in more activity to see if it will actually help with the fatigue, but I know this first week or two is going to SUCK.
I stopped working out almost 6 months ago. Yes, I have been the personal trainer who doesn’t workout. lol…. But, I couldn’t do it anymore. Whenever I would try to I did not feel well. My muscles felt like 2 pieces of sandpaper rubbing together when I would lift weights… almost “crunchy” feeling, and doing any intense activity for more than 15 minutes would take me out of commission for days. I didn’t have DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) which is typical from working out… especially for someone who isn’t very conditioned, but I would have EXTREME muscle fatigue for days… it was hard to do activities of daily living… not due to soreness, but due to muscle fatigue. I would have to rest 2-3 days following a 30 minute body weight workout. I would also be ravenous, and could never get “full”. It was extremely frustrating because I know I can’t out-exercise a poor diet… which my diet was extremely healthy, but working out would cause me to eat too much. It’s hard to explain, but I could tell working out wasn’t good for me at that time… which was later confirmed because my muscle enzymes were high (my muscles were breaking down)… high enough I had to have a muscle biopsy surgery to rule out an autoimmune muscle disease. I do not have that disease, but I have lost 8 pounds of skeletal muscle in 14 months (and in turn gained 12 pounds of fat. Ugh.) So, I’m nervous about working out… what if it’s the same? What if I went through all of this and nothing changed? That will be heartbreaking, but I’m not going to stress about it… I will deal with it if that is what happens.
What I am going to do is take action. Here is my plan for the next 5 weeks:
- Intermittent fast 3 days/week. I don’t want to count Calories or macros… I’m just not mentally in a good place for that. I had been intermittent fasting for a while a year or so ago, and it felt good… until it didn’t. So, I’m going to try it and see how I feel. Other than that my diet won’t really change because I already eat extremely clean, and I typically don’t eat too much these days.
- I’m going to lift weights for 30 mins 2-3x/week. This first week I will probably start with 2 workouts, then up it to 3 next week as long as I’m recovering well from each workout.
- I’m going to sit in my infrared sauna for 30-60 min 5x/week. It is time for me to detox! As I am (hopefully) losing fat I want to move stored toxins from my fat cells out of my body. Infrared saunas have been shown to eliminate toxins such as heavy metals from fat cells.
- I am going add 30 min very low intensity steady state cardio 2-3x/week in the beginning, and hopefully switch to 2 HIIT sessions/week once I’ve gained a little bit of my fitness back… because right I am VERY unconditioned… hopefully that muscle memory will kick in! 🙂
- Eventually I want to add yoga back in. I can’t right now because of my chest muscles, but I plan on doing a few rehab sessions for my pecs (chest muscles) and delts (shoulder muscles), and then I can hopefully start getting my yoga on! 😉
So, that’s my plan. I don’t really have a goal weight in mind, but I would like to add some of my muscle back, while losing the fat that I’ve gained. I’m not going to focus on the scale… I cannot control the outcome… all I can control is my actions. So, my goals are action focused, not results focused.
Even though working out has become something that is a natural part of my life over the last 20 years, I am kinda dreading it while also looking forward to it… if that makes sense. 😉 lol What I mean is I know in the beginning it is going to suck, but if I stick with it, it will become something that makes me feel great. Getting into shape sucks, but being in shape is awesome… but, the only way to get there is by embracing the suck… which is exactly what I intend to do. At the very least hopefully taking action to improve my body composition will help with the body image issues I’ve been struggling with. I always feel better when I’m able to take action to make a situation better… not that I NEED to make my body better, but I just don’t like feeling like a lazy slug all the time. lol
I’ll document my journey back to fitness, and post updates here. I took my “before” pictures today, and I plan on taking my next set of progress pics 4-5 weeks from now. I’ll post them when I take them.
If anyone wants to join me on this journey back to health and fitness comment or message me! I’d love to hear about your progress as well!
To your health,
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Have you ever felt like a fraud in what you do for a living?
I do. Right now.
Three days ago I had surgery to remove my breast implants that I got when I was 22 years old. I made this decision because I believe they were causing various health problems I’ve been experiencing, and autoimmune issues I’ve been having in the past few years.
Leading up to the surgery I had nothing but positive thoughts. I knew that this was what needed to be done to regain my health. I had visions of how I would feel better, look better, and be completely confident after my surgery… I boasted about how much I’ve changed since the young age of 22, and how now I was so comfortable in my skin, and I loved myself so much, I would never consider getting them in the first place if I were presented with the option today.
I was wrong. So naively wrong.
No, I’m not considering getting implants again… I do 100% believe that they are the root cause for my health problems, but I am not the happy, confident “I don’t give a fuck about how I look… I love myself no matter what” person that I thought I was just four days ago.
I am struggling. Big time.
I don’t know that I’ve had this type of body image issues before. I don’t look how I expected to look. To be honest, I probably don’t look that bad… I probably look like a normal 41 year old with saggy boobs…. saggy boobs with scars… but, for me… this is not my normal.
Body image is such a personal topic. We all try to console each other because we don’t see other’s “flaws” the way that they see themselves. To us, we probably don’t even notice, or if we do, it’s not as big of deal as our own perceived “flaws”. We look at others and think “Oh, you think THAT’S bad… Look at THIS.” When we say these things to each other we minimize the feelings of the other person… No, it may not seem like a big deal to us, but to them… it is.
This is what I’m experiencing right now. I’ve shown a few close friends what I look like now, the doctor and nurse have seen me, and all tell me I look good… I look normal. But, to me… It’s not normal.
I am terrified to ever be intimate with a man again. I’ve never felt that way before in my life. Never. I’m dreading going to work on Monday for fear people will be extra observant of the size of my chest because of my announcement that I had my implants removed. I’m afraid I’ll get a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I look in the mirror for the rest of my life.
None of these fears and emotions are normal to me.
I genuinely believed with every fiber of my being that I truly loved myself enough that what I looked like on the outside had no value in my life… but, that’s not true.
For someone who preaches “Your value is not determined by how you look on the outside… Your value is within – who YOU are”… I feel like a fraud.
On top of feeling the emotions I have about how I look now, I’ve been beating myself up all day for having these thoughts in the first place… I “should” be above this.
But, just like I tell my clients, I need to stop.
I may not be able to control how I feel about how I look right at this moment, but I can control the mental beating I’ve been giving myself for being human.
It’s okay for me to not love how I look right now. I just had freaking surgery three days ago! I still have drains protruding from my chest wall. I’m wrapped up like a mummy in an Ace wrap to keep pressure on everything. Today was the first day I could take a full shower and wash my hair. I drove 6 hours round-trip by myself for my follow-up appointment.
That’s pretty fucking amazing.
I may not love how I look at the moment, but I love how strong and independent I am. I may not love how I look at the moment, but I love myself enough to know that I did the right thing by having them removed. I may not love how I look right now, but I love myself enough to care for myself by eating healthy food, asking for help when I do need it, and for being brave enough to confide these thoughts, emotions, and fears to others… being vulnerable about my insecurities, especially when I’m supposed to be a role model for self love, self care, health, etc. is TREMENDOUS growth on my part. The 22 year old girl who got those implants had so many walls of perfectionism up, SHE didn’t know what was real or fake anymore.
No, I am not the same person I was 18 years ago. No, I am not a fraud for feeling the way I feel right now…
Yes, I may have gone into this with some naivety, but that doesn’t make me fake or a fraud by any means. I only knew what I knew at the time, and I made a decision based on that knowledge. Now I know more, because I’m experiencing it… not just assuming I know how I’ll feel.
None of this makes me a fraud.
This makes me human.
This experience will ultimately help me to understand when my clients express these thoughts, emotions, and fears themselves… I know that. Someday I will be grateful for this experience, because like all difficult experiences I’ve had in my life… this will force me to grow. I will eventually overcome these thoughts, emotions, and fears… and I will be content with myself again.
But, man, it’s a bitch to go through right now.
I have decided to have my breast implants removed, as I do believe they are contributing to my autoimmune issues and declining health.
I’m sure that may come as a shock to some, as most people are unaware that I have implants, as they look natural.
When I was 22, I decided to have breast augmentation surgery. Why? Honestly, I don’t know. I actually didn’t hate my breasts… I hated sooooooooo many things about my body back then – my thighs, my butt, my nose, my hair, my skin, my legs – so many things, but my breasts weren’t one of them. So, why did I get them? The only logical answer I can come up with is… Because the mind will focus on the exterior “flaws”, when it’s trying to avoid the interior pain.
I grew up in a very abusive household. I was made to feel unworthy and not valued in every way possible. I later grew up and found myself in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. I hated myself, and I found someone to verify all of the reasons why I should hate myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how I acted. I felt like everyone hated me too… and that was the narrative that was repeated to me over and over by my boyfriend at the time. It’s so fucked up, but it felt “normal”, so it felt “right”…. even though it was sooooo wrong.
My best friend at the time had breast augmentation herself during that time, and I honestly think that was the first I even considered the notion myself. I started noticing things that were “wrong” with my breasts, such as one was a full B cup, and one was a small C cup… this then became my obsession of something I needed to fix.
My boyfriend thought it was a great idea when I mentioned my sudden contemplation, and he even offered to pay half. (he didn’t) So, I decided to set up a consultation. I went in thinking that we would just talk to the doctor, and I would go home and think about it… I don’t think I really thought I would go through with it, but during the consultation visit it was just assumed by the staff that I would be having the surgery, and all of the sudden I found myself scheduling it.
I remember the day of the surgery I passed out as the doctor was marking me, as I was soooooo nervous.
I wanted to back out so many times, but I had no boundaries… I didn’t have the strength to say “no”…. a common issue that stems from growing up in an abusive household. I also didn’t want to look foolish, as I had told people I was going to do it. Also, I knew that if I did back out right then, I would later have the surgery because of my growing obsession with my “imperfect breasts”. So, I did it.
After my surgery, I jokiningly referred to them as “The Girls”. They took a while to get used to, as they felt very foreign to me. Clothes fit me differently, but over time I forgot I even had them. They became a part of me.
Now that I’m planning on having them removed I’m afraid of losing this part of me… I have so many thoughts going through my head…
What if I go through all of this and I don’t get better? Am really I strong enough to make this decision? What will people think? Will I lose business because of this? What will I look like? Will I be deformed for the rest of my life? Will anybody find me attractive? Could I create further complications by having the explantation surgery? Will I cause more financial burden with this decision? Could I die and orphan my child having this surgery? What will my daughter think when she finds out? What will other people think of me when they find out I have implants? What will people say about me after the surgery? Will people think I’m totally self-obsessed about my looks? Will people think I’m a terrible example for my daughter? What if people no longer think of me as a role model for health because of all of this? What if… What if… What if…
Nothing about this decision is easy. Easy would be keeping them and continue living the status quo that I’ve lived for nearly 2 decades.
The anxiety is real.
It’s hard not to regret the decision to get implants in the first place, as I wonder if I would’ve ever started experiencing these health problems if I hadn’t ever gotten them… but, I can’t change my past, so I have to focus on making my future healthy. All I can do is find purpose in this path I’ve taken. Finding purpose in a difficult situation helps me to make sense of my difficulties. It gives me some peace knowing that God will use my trials to help others… So, I’ve thought about it a lot…
What is the purpose of this?
Is it to warn people about possible negative health effects of breast implants? I don’t think so.
Is it to tell people about autoimmunity and my experience? Maybe…
After much thought and consideration, I feel that the purpose of this is to tell my story. How I came to the decision to have breast augmentation in the first place, and where I am now.
I feel my purpose is to show compassion.
I feel my purpose is to forgive.
I feel my purpose is not to preach, but to be an example of all these things.
I don’t blame my boyfriend at the time for this decision, even though he did strongly urge it… it was 100% my decision. Period. But, it wasn’t me – who I am today – that made that decision nearly 2 decades ago.
The decision to alter my body was made by a very troubled girl. A girl that was so silently depressed. A girl that felt no value whatsoever. A girl that felt she needed to “prove” herself. A girl who didn’t really even think she’d be around long enough to need to change out her implants at the recommended 10 year mark. A girl that was so incredibly broken she felt like a shell of a human.
That’s the person who made the decision.
I’m not blaming her either. She didn’t know any better. She wasn’t taught how to love herself. She wasn’t taught she was fearfully and wonderfully made. She wasn’t taught she had value or worth.
She was searching for her value. She was searching for her worth. She was searching for happiness. She was looking for something to control in a life that she felt was consuming her whole. She was searching for something, ANYTHING to fill that void… her looks and her body were something she could control, and for brief moments that made her feel significant… so, she focused on that and how to get more. And just like she learned for many years that people who loved her were allowed to abuse her, neglect her, and mistreat her… that’s exactly what she did to herself.
This is all she ever knew. So, I forgive her…
I have forgiven my abusers of my past because they were just repeating patterns and behaviors they had learned from their pasts… and I have forgiven that girl for doing the same. If I could go back and love her, cherish her, and show her she is valued, I would… but, I know that she wouldn’t have accepted that anyways. She would’ve pushed it away, because it felt wrong.
Today I love her…
I can honestly say that I love myself. I don’t always like myself, and how I look or act, but I always love myself… I love myself for everything I have been through, and how strong it made me. I love myself for stopping the cycle of abuse here. Hopefully my daughter will learn from my mistakes. I don’t have it all figured out, and I don’t really know how to let someone else love me the way I deserve to be loved, but I stopped the cycle of abuse. That’s fucking amazing. I do not want my daughter to see me being abused and think that is okay. I will not let anyone abuse her, demean her, or make her feel unworthy or not valued. I pray everyday that she sees in me that my worth comes from Christ… not how I look, not my accomplishments, not my profession, not a relationship, not anything of this world… my value is in Him. My hope is that she knows her value is in Him, as well.
I wrote this blog months ago when I first decided to explant. My thoughts about it today are much different…. My implants are not a part of me. I am at peace with my decision. Yes, I am nervous about it, as it is a major decision, but I am at peace with my beliefs about it or how others will view it. I know I’m making the right decision for me, and I pray that it will be the answer to the puzzle that is my declining health.
If you, or anyone you know, are dealing with breast implants, or breast implant illness, please reach out. The reason I tell my story is to help others… I know I’m not alone in this, and by talking about it I hope to help others feel less alone in this too. I currently experience 21 of these 42 common symptoms on a regular basis. I’m hoping to reduce that number greatly after I have had a chance to heal from this surgery, and everything that goes along with it. Prayers and good vibes for a quick recovery are appreciated.
Stay healthy, and know that YOU ARE WORTHY… just as you are,
If you’ve ever watched my stories on social media, you’ve probably seen pictures of the food I eat in a day. I realize these stories are not the most exciting thing to watch about my day, and by no means do I feel like anyone really cares what I eat lol… BUT, as a nutritionist/trainer, one of the most frequent questions I am asked is “What should I eat?” or “What do you eat?” So I decided to just start snapping a pic of what I typically eat in a day, from time to time… after all, I practice what I preach when it comes to nutrition and exercise. So, why not be an example… instead of preachy. 😉
My meals mainly consist of organic vegetables, organic grass fed beef & free range chicken and eggs, healthy fats like grass fed butter and avocado, and some slow digesting carbs. My meals are simple to prepare, but they are still delicious – food doesn’t have to be fancy or complicated to taste great. My food pics aren’t as captivating as food bloggers, who make extravagantly beautiful meals, perfectly plated, in the perfect lighting. No, they are pretty basic… but, that’s real life. So, even though the food isn’t always mouthwatering to look at, it tastes delicious, and it’s healthy… which is what matters.
One of the excuses I hear most about healthy eating is “I don’t have time to cook.” Listen, I am a single mom, who works long hours everyday. I’m at work before sunrise, and I usually get home around sunset. If I don’t have healthy, prepared food available for me and my daughter to eat… healthy food does not get eaten. 😉 So, I batch cook proteins and loads of veggies on the weekend. It usually takes me about 90 minutes to prepare all of our cooked foods for the week. Then, throughout the week these foods are heated up as a single serving, and I add healthy fats and spices and seasonings to taste. I’ll also add fruits, and quickly prepped things, like guacamole, as sides throughout the week as well. It takes about 5-10 minutes per meal to heat up, and add any extras (like guac). This method is the only way I have found where I can consistently eat healthy, on a daily basis.
The next most frequent question I get after “What do you eat?” is “Does your kid eat all of those vegetables?”
Yep. She sure does. 🙂
Is this because I was gifted with some super healthy kid, that loves to eat vegetables?
My kid did not grow up eating healthy, like she does today. Nope, she started out on a pretty typical American diet. It wasn’t the worst, unhealthiest foods available. We’ve never really been fast food people, but her diet did consist of it’s fair share or mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, pizza, fries, etc. until she was about 8 or 9 years old.
So, how did I change this?
I quit feeding her that stuff. In fact, I quit buying that stuff altogether…. because it’s not food. Mac and cheese is not food. Cereal is not food. Fruit snacks are not food. Pretty much all of the packaged foods in the middle of the grocery store is not food. It is food-like substances, marketed to us as food. Food is supposed to nourish us. It’s supposed to provide us with not only macronutrients (Calories, carbohydrates, fats, and protein), but also micronutrients (vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, etc) that keep us healthy. Packaged foods are not designed this way. They are mass produced, at the cheapest cost, to provide the biggest profit. They are Calorie dense, but lacking in the micronutrients that keep us healthy. This is why you can be overweight, but still be deficient in certain vitamins and minerals.
What changed all of this? Well, to be honest it was a change in my diet. A few years ago I started experiencing health problems, which made me change my perspective on food and nutrition. It suddenly wasn’t about Calories, now it was how I could nourish my body so it could heal. Initially I didn’t change my daughter’s diet. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but as I was filling my plate with organic vegetables, I was frequently feeding her Ramen Noodles or other foods that were completely void of nutrition. I was so focused on getting my health back, that I knew I needed to focus on my nutrition… kinda like putting the oxygen mask on myself first. She needed a mom, and I figured “she’s healthy, so it’s not as important for her”. So untrue. In reality, it’s probably MORE important for her to eat healthy than for me. SHE’S the one who is still growing and developing. Her organ systems, including her brain, hormones, etc. aren’t fully developed yet. The body that she is building will be determined by the foods she eats today. She can grow into a healthy, thriving adult… or she can grow into an adult with health problems, weight problems, mental problems and feeling less than optimal.
So, I made the decision for her which path she would take – thriving and healthy, and I changed her eating habits for her. Some would argue that this is cruel or controlling or whatever… but, it’s not. I’m simply teaching her the proper way to eat. I’m teaching her about nutrition. I’m teaching her healthy habits that (hopefully) will last a lifetime. Yes, as an adult she will have the choice of how she wants to live her life, but just like everything else, teaching my kid how to eat healthy is my job as a parent. No one thinks it’s cruel or controlling to teach your kid how to read, or how to do math. No, everyone agrees that these are necessary things to learn to be successful in this world, But, when it comes to food there is a weird stigma around it. I believe part of the reason for this stigma is we, as a society, have completely lost the perspective of what food is – food is fuel for our bodies. Our bodies cannot run indefinitely without it. Food was made to keep us alive, but somewhere along the way we decided that food = pleasure. Now I’m not saying that food is not pleasurable… as we all know it is, myself included. But, that is not the primary reason we have food available on this planet. God provided it to us to nourish us… the fact that He made it pleasurable is just a bonus. (Thank God for that! Literally!) 😉 So, just like with most of the good things God gave us, we’ve gone to the extreme seeking pleasure 100% of the time when it comes to what we put on our plates. This is where dysfunction comes into how we eat. Instead of seeing food for what it is – fuel for our bodies – we see it as something to make us experience pleasure, something to control, something to idolize. These are not the ways I want my kid to grow up looking at food, as I know, first hand, it does not develop a healthy relationship with food or healthy eating habits for life. So, I decided to teach my kid what food is for – to make us healthy. Not everything we eat is for pleasure. Yes, it can all taste good, but it needs to serve a purpose beyond taste. The primary purpose for each meal needs to be to provide our bodies with the nutrients that it needs. It’s okay to OCCASIONALLY eat something purely for pleasure… even I would love to have the brownie instead of the broccoli. I’m human. But, first we focus on health.
There are so many things we do in life that are necessary so we can experience the pleasurable things too. For instance… I love my job, but I don’t want to go there everyday… but, being a responsible adult I still go there on days I don’t want to because I want to pay my bills. I love working out, but I don’t want to everyday… but, because I value my health I make sure to get movement in each day. I don’t always want to eat my vegetables, but I do it everyday so I can be healthy and thrive in every area of my life. We do the things necessary in so many other aspects of our lives, so we can live a full life that includes pleasure, but for some reason, when it comes to food, people feel it is restrictive to primarily focus on health instead of pleasure. But, to be able to show up fully in this life, you have to have your health.
I know this is not a popular opinion, but it’s not even my opinion. In my Dietetics program we had an entire course over childhood nutrition. It was taught to us that a kid will eat the foods that we expose to them. If you want your kid to eat healthy, you have to provide healthy foods to them. It was taught to us that it can take 10 times of exposure for a kid to develop a taste for a vegetable… I can tell you from experience, that is true. Over and over my daughter would turn up her nose at the different vegetables I gave to her, but eventually she has learned to like them…. for the most part… brussel sprouts are still the one thing we argue about, but I still make her try them from time to time… eventually I will win this battle. Eventually. 😉 Now, I offer her multiple vegetable choices at each meal, and I let her choose a couple. Another trick I used in the beginning was I let my daughter cook the vegetables. She felt a sense of pride in cooking them, so she wasn’t about to declare that the food she worked so hard on was gross… nope, she said it was good… then she adapted a taste for them, so now she’ll eat them even when I cook them.
So, just like we (hopefully) teach our kids that they have to work for their success in life, we need to teach our kids to value themselves, and their health, to make healthy decisions in life. Because if you think that your kid will magically grow up and suddenly start eating healthy simply because they’re an adult – wrong. The way they will eat is a learned behavior… just like it’s a learned behavior for us. So, if you are struggling yourself to eat healthy, just know that you’re passing on your struggles to your kid for the rest of their life too… unless, YOU change your behaviors, as well. We all know that kids won’t do what we say, unless we do it ourselves. So, start valuing yourself, and your health, enough to make healthy decisions. It is more important than your waistline… it determines your health, your kid’s health, their kid’s health, and so on… you have the power to stop unhealthy behaviors right now.
It was a process, but today my kid knows she is to eat vegetables at lunch and dinner. (Still working on breakfast) 😉 It took a good 9 months or so of arguing at dinner to make her eat her vegetables, but eventually it became the norm for her. I did not give her any other options. Either she ate what was on her plate, or she didn’t eat. Even the most stubborn kids will eventually give in and eat… BUT, you cannot have the junk available. That crap is not food. It is marketing. A kid does not need mac and cheese to have a good childhood. A kid does not need cereal to have a good childhood. A kid does not need soda to have a good childhood. That is all marketing sold to us to make us as parents feel like we’re providing our kids with love. Food is not love. Food is food.
If you are struggling to get your kids to eat healthy first look at your diet… if you aren’t walking the walk, don’t expect them it from them. They will do as they see. Don’t buy packaged foods. Don’t even bring it into the house. If it is there on hand your kids will eat it… you will eat it. Decide right now to eat REAL FOOD. Leave the junk food for special occasions out. Finally, find the best way for you to prepare your food yourself. Figure out the system that works best for you to always have healthy food on hand… don’t wait until you’re starving to think about preparing healthy food. Batch cook food to have available at all times… and choose to eat it! You health, and your kids’ health, is up to you. You decide with every bite you take whether you are building your body stronger, or tearing it down. Value your health. Value yourself. Teach your kids that they are valuable too, and they deserve to live long, healthy lives.
To you and your family’s health,
A rainy afternoon in, with the kiddo, calls for a sweet treat. 👩👧 We didn’t feel like baking, so we made edible “cookie dough”. Easy to make, yummy, and good for us too. 😋
Edible Collagen Cookie Dough
• 2 Tbsp cashew butter
• 2 scoops collagen (I used Ancient Nutrition vanilla for me and chocolate for the kiddo https://store.draxe.com/products/collagen-protein )
• 1/2 Tbsp coconut flour
• Coconut milk to desired consistency
• 1-2 Tbsp Enjoy Life mini semi-sweet chocolate chips
Chocolate Chip for me, and Double Chocolate Chip for her.
(If you wanted to make it sweeter you could add vanilla stevia, but we liked it just like this.)
That’s it! Super simple. No bake. Kiddo approved. 👍🏻
I debated whether to post this publicly, but I decided to go ahead because I want to be a beacon of hope to anyone who needs it. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with Lupus. For almost 3 years I have been struggling with chronic pain throughout my entire body, EXTREME fatigue, brain fog, swelling of my face and body, weight gain despite my impeccable diet and consistent exercise, and many other various symptoms. (although I’ve had other symptoms that didn’t seem to be related for decades)
When I was at my worst 2 years ago I sought treatment from holistic doctors whom I knew personally and I trusted, and I’m so glad I did. Receiving care from them changed my perspective on nutrition, fitness, health, and life. Although my formal education is in nutrition and biomedical sciences, it left something to be desired in teaching me how the body works together as a whole. With the guidance of my doctors I have regained my life back. Yes, I still deal with pain, fatigue, and brain fog sometimes, and I’m still struggling with my weight… I’m not going to lie – some days are REALLY fucking hard… but because of the changes in diet, lifestyle, and mindset I’ve made the past 2 years, I continue to improve. This allows me to lead an active and healthy life I love, despite having a chronic disease which I have been told is incurable.
Am I happy that I have Lupus? No. But, my hope is to use this knowledge to inspire and help others. If anything, this will become just one more pillar to my platform of health.
The reality is I’ve had this for a long time, now it simply has a name. Nothing has changed. I was soooooooooo sick 2 years ago when it was at its worst. I actually took out a disability insurance policy because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could work and provide for my daughter. I had people tell me that these things – joint pain, fatigue, brain fog, weight gain, etc – were just part of getting older, and I needed to accept that it’s a part of life. I had people tell me that I was probably just depressed, and needed an antidepressant. I had people think that I was a crazy hypochondriac (I did too tbh), or that I was exaggerating how bad I felt. I had doctors tell me I was probably just eating too much, and that’s why my weight kept going up. NO. I refused to accept any of these things. NONE of this is true. Pain is not normal. Fatigue is not normal. Chronic skin conditions are not normal. GI discomfort is not normal. Brain fog is not normal…. NONE of these things are a “normal” part of getting older. These are signals your body is sending you that something is “off” and needs to be addressed. Do NOT just live with it, or take a medication to mask the symptoms… find the root cause, and fix it. Just because you alleviate a symptom with a medication does not mean you fixed the problem. Whatever is causing that root problem is still causing damage to your DNA even if you’ve lessened the symptom with medication… that underlying damage that is occurring is what will lead to diseases such as autoimmune diseases, cancer, heart disease, dementia, and everything else. I may have been able to prevent the development of this autoimmune disease if I had listened to the signals my body was telling me decades ago… who knows. It doesn’t matter now… what’s done is done, and I can’t dwell on what I “could’ve done” differently. I was doing the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time… I’m just hoping others can learn from my experience.
Find a functional medicine doctor who listens to you, and works with you on lifestyle changes to restore your health. You may have to pay out of pocket, but there isn’t a price tag on living a long, healthy life. Your life and your health are worth this expense. I have restored my health myself, with the guidance of my team of functional medicine doctors, with the diet, lifestyle and mindset changes I adopted. I do not take any medications. Each year I get better and better. You can too.
I am not opposed to medications btw… I worked in conventional healthcare for 18+ years, but what I’ve learned from that time and going through this experience is… our “healthcare” system is not actually “ health care”… it is sick care. It’s about managing symptoms with medications, but not actually fixing the problem. Lifestyle changes such as diet, exercise, stress management, supplementation, etc. are seen as “alternative” treatments. THAT IS SO WRONG. Disease is caused by underlying inflammation in the body – all disease. Genetics actually have very little to do with it… yes, you may be more susceptible to certain diseases because of gene variants, but just because you have those genes does not mean you are doomed to a life with disease. Those defective genes are “turned on” by our environment- food, external environment, lifestyle, etc. We have the power to control whether we stay healthy or we get sick by what we eat, what we think, and how we live our lives. To truly HEAL you HAVE to stop doing the things that are hurting you. Nutrition and lifestyle should be FIRST LINE treatment for ANY symptom… IF that isn’t enough, THEN other treatments such as supplements should be looked at… then FINALLY medications. *end rant* 😉 lol
Throughout this whole experience the past couple of years, my relationship with God deepened. On my worst days I would sit in my car and pray to God to give me the strength to walk up the stairs to my apartment so I could be “mom” to my kiddo… and He did. God is good. God never leaves us. He is always there… honestly, in my weakest times is when I feel his presence the most, because it forces me to let go of my “stuff” and I allow Him to carry me through, and it gives me peace. I knew He would bring the people into my life that could help me… and He did. I’ve learned so much from them. All along I knew that there was purpose for this. God didn’t give me Lupus… it was many different factors throughout my lifetime that caused it, but God has always used me and my struggles to help others. I know He will continue to do so with this. My hope is that I can inspire others heal. I want to show those who are suffering that they can take their power back. Quit looking outside of yourself for healing. It’s not in a pill. It’s not your doctor that will heal you… it’s you. That’s not to say you don’t need a doctor, but, if your doctor is not listening to you or telling you it’s “all in your head” or nothing can be done – find a new doctor. Be your own health advocate. Research all options. Question everything. Learn. Face the scary things. Do the work necessary to heal. You are worthy of health. You are worthy of feeling well. You are worthy.
If you are in good health – don’t waste it! You never know when it could be taken away. Get off your butt, and move your body. Whatever crazy, wild dream you want to accomplish- DO IT. Now. I’m so thankful that I didn’t choose to waste my health and be sedentary. I’m so thankful I had the courage to take on challenges I was fearful to do for many years – like competing… nothing and no one can ever take those experiences from me. I get to live with the knowledge that I am tough – physically and mentally. These physical and mental challenges I chose to take on over the years have tested my strength, endurance, and resiliency. They have given me confidence to tackle this challenge too. I’m not scared. I know I can do it.
If you are facing a health problem – you CAN overcome it. A diagnosis is not a death sentence. It is possible to live a happy, healthy, and thriving life even if you’re facing this type of challenge… I know, because I am doing it. I still do Tough Mudders. I still exercise regularly. I still do all the things I want to do. My competing days are probably over because I don’t think I can get that lean, and still be healthy… it’s not worth the risk to me… but, I don’t focus on the things that may not be exactly the way I like them. Where you focus your energy is what will flourish in your life. I choose to focus on the good in my life. I choose to focus on every little progress I make in the right direction. I choose take advantage of every capability God has given me to the fullest. I choose be grateful for it all – good and bad. I choose to live my purpose. I choose to thrive.
You can too. ❤️
I had a few ripe bananas that needed to be used, so kiddo and I decided to make banana bread. 😋 🍌
It’s gluten free, with very little added sugar, but it’s super moist and delish! 😁🍌 The topping makes it ooey gooey, as you can see in the next pic.
Banana Walnut Bread with Butter Pecan Crust
For the bread:
3 ripe bananas
3 eggs (I used Happy Egg)
1/4 c cashew butter
2 tbsp coconut sugar
1 tbsp Ceylon cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/8 tsp pink Himalayan salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 c walnuts, crushed (optional)
For the crust topping:
1/2 c pecans
4 tbsp Kerrygold butter
2 tbsp coconut sugar
1/2 tbsp Ceylon cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
Preheat oven 350. Combine all bread ingredients in a mixer, and mix. (Or mix by hand if you want to use those muscles 💪🏻 😉) Coat bread pan with coconut oil spray or butter. Pour in mixture. For the topping: combine all ingredients in a food processor or a blender until smooth. Scoop topping onto top of bread mixture, and spread over the top with spatula. Bake for 40 min.
Let cool, and enjoy! It’s even kiddo approved! 😉 (although she would have preferred I ground the walnuts up finer… next time! 😁)