Unqualified

A few years ago, when I was deep in my journey with Christ, I felt called to lead a Life Group (small group) at my church. I was actively serving in my church. I felt very connected.  I got to know many people… something I had never done before at church. During that time I kept feeling God tug at my heart to start a fitness-centered group, but although I felt very connected with the church I was just starting to read my Bible. I didn’t understand it all, so I never answered the call. I felt others, more “spiritually qualified”, could take on the task to lead. Instead I joined several different groups, but never really felt like I fit in… so, I quit trying to find a group altogether.

Over the next couple of years my service at church dwindled, and I lost touch with other church-goers. Over time the feeling to lead went away, so I decided that I was mistaken, and leading wasn’t for me. My new circle of friends, outside of church, although technically Christians, did not exemplify a Christ-filled lifestyle. They are good people, but seeking God’s will in all they do is not necessarily their number 1 priority… it wasn’t always been mine either. When life is going in the right direction, I always get back in the driver’s seat and take a wrong turn, after God has spent so much precious time getting me on the right track in the first place… I always seem to mess it up. Going down these detours of destruction the last couple of years had left me feeling completely unqualified to lead anything for anybody… especially anything that had to do with faith. So, the thought to lead hadn’t even crossed my mind… until a few weeks ago. Suddenly, it started making it’s way to the surface again. Despite my detours, I have grown in my knowledge of God’s word the past couple of  years. I read it often, and surprisingly, I actually understand it! Even though I haven’t been as connected in church, I have become much more familiar with The Word, and I find myself quoting it often. I am much more comfortable speaking my faith than I have ever been before – despite my flaws. I have never considered myself a leader of any sort – spiritual or not. And yet, I felt that calling pulling at me again… to lead a Life Group. The current sermon series is about just saying “yes” to God – even when you feel unqualified, or as though it is impossible what He is asking you to do… He doesn’t need us to be perfect, He just wants us to be willing. Willing to say “Yes” when asked. Have faith. Act, and He will qualify you for the task. So, I decided to say “yes” this week. I decided I would finally do what was asked of me years ago… but, wouldn’t you know… with my obedience, the enemy saw it as an opportunity to attack. To make me doubt myself, and my abilities. I’ve always had this irrational belief that no one likes me… which logically I know isn’t true, because I am reminded quite often that I am a likeable person, and people choose to be around me BECAUSE they like me… but, that deep-seeded feeling of insecurity is still there. As the week progressed, I started to question whether anyone would actually show up. I questioned whether the leaders of the church even wanted me to form a group… that they didn’t think I was good enough. I was wavering on my decision… but, today’s message again told me to act. So, again, I decided to say “yes”. After the service I told another woman my plans of starting the group – minutes after hearing the message telling me to just say “yes” again… another event occurred that made me feel inadequate and scared… not only as a person that could lead a faith-based group, but also as a personal trainer! lol… I left the service feeling defeated. Questioning whether this is what God really wants me to do. After church I had  coffee with a friend, and told her the story of what happened. She didn’t have the answer, but she reminded me that the insecurities I was feeling was indeed the enemy – attacking me at my weak spots – that’s not God telling me to not do it. I shouldn’t take that as a sign to not do it. So, I decided I would just do it, and if nobody shows up – who cares. I did what God asked of me, and if it truly is His will, He will bring the people to the group that He wants there. I don’t need to worry about it… I decided I will not let my insecurities, aka the enemy, win. Not this time. So, I signed up. I have no idea if anyone will actually attend… that’s not really my concern. I just want to walk in faith. Just say “yes”. Be willing, and if it is His will… He will qualify me for the task.

They say that life begins outside of your comfort zone… and I intend to live my life to the fullest. 😉

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